MONEY

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Real 911 calls

Situation 1

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?



Situation 2

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!



Situation 3

Dispatcher: 911

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.



Situation 4

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.



Situation 5

Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

66% of women watch porn

We are talking about porn everyday and we have associate pornography with men only. How about women?

A study has been done in Britain to proof whether women also watching porn or not.

A survey been conducted in Britain through more than 1000 readers completed the risqué questionnaire. A revealing Sun survey has taken away the taboos and discovered that 66 % of women watch porn. Besides, nearly nine out of ten men (88%) view it, while a quarter of them watch it every day. The survey also revealed that 16 per cent of men often use porn as part of foreplay and 77% of men admitted their love of blue movies to their partners.

In addition, this survey also found that a third of all male and female porn watchers are aged between 18 and 25, while 28 per cent of male fans and 22 per cent of females are aged from 26 to 35. Besides, nearly a third of women (29%) indulging are aged 36 to 45, compared with 21 per cent for men and only 18 per cent of men and 16 per cent of women who like blue movies are aged over 45. The survey also revealed that 76% of men and 87% of women who look at porn are married or in a relationship. Only 22% of men and 10% of women who watch porn are single. 1% of male porn fans are divorced compared to 2% for women and a further 1% of both sexes are separated from their partners.


For those married or in a relationship, 64% of men watch X-rated films with their partner, while 57% of women share viewing. The survey also found that 46% of men said they would be TURNED ON if they caught their girlfriend or wife secretly watching porn while only 11% would be upset by her having all the fun without them. However, the other 43% would not be bothered either way if they caught their girlfriend looking at these explicit images.

However, for women, they would obviously feel differently about watching adult films in a relationship. From the survey result, 34% of them would be very upset if they caught their partner watching porn. On the other hand, the same number (34%) would not feel turned on or get angry if they found their partners enjoying dirty pictures. But more than a quarter (26%) would get aroused.

For those in a relationship, 77% of men claimed that their partner was fully aware of what they were up to. 65% of women say their partner watches porn without them, while 14% reckoned that their husbands or boyfriends definitely did not look at images of sexy women and a sneaky 15% of men admitted hiding their blue movies from their partner. However, only 6% of women admit to watching porn once a day but more than a quarter (26%) say they watch it once a month.

However, nearly half of all men questioned (46%) look at porn once or twice a week but 53% of women say they rarely watch porn. 14% of readers say they only watch porn once a month while 15% claim they look at it very rarely.

Besides married and in a relationship, couples also admitted using sexy films to spice up things in the bedroom. Out of the 57% of women who watch porn with a partner, a third regularly use it as part of foreplay, while 41% admit to having watched it several times with their man. Other than that, 64% of men who share viewing, 37% admit having watched it once or twice while 47% have used it several times as a couple.

Adapted from:http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/article2355510.ece